Travel from home to home — Sweden to Taiwan
Chapter 1 — Isolation in island
The way back home is far, too far away that I barely recognize it.
***Loading, logging out life of Swedish server***
*** Loading, logging in life of Taiwanese server***
Saying goodbye to people around me has made me think of life and death a lot.
How would you say, for how long is good enough to say a good-bye to someone close to you? How much time would you spend and stay with the person and what would you do together. Would you quit the job? 16 hours company? Eating dinner as usual, watch a movie or fix your broken car together? I’d try to acheive the wishes of him first.
If I die young in an accident in this trip. People in Sweden including my family, friends and colleges, they will feel so sorry for me who has been looking forward going back home and meet my family after 3 years.
And I, I’d say What a pitty! when I arrive heaven and feel a bit sad of leaving my interesting life which still has so much fun time awaiting. Then I’ll turn back, and leave all of them behind.
I’ll let go my family, since they all know the best of me. I don’t want to feel sorry for them just because I die on the way to meet them. It has been done by the best of us and decision, nothing to be regreted.
In this trip, in this chance of soul searching, I want to be a better person, a stronger human with more freedom from this world.
Now with six years effort, I’ve got two lives to choose between. What would I do? Which would I prefer? Who would I be together? How would I reflect in my mind? I want to know.
Would have been fun to travel with you, playing around and eating trash food together on the way there, my dear.
Why I’m going back exact in this time?
Let’s start with my bottom of mind health in the beginning of this autumn 🍂 There’re some reasons that triggered my deepest tiredness about living life. All my family know the reason and did give me support and strenth to start again, especially my family from Taiwan. Thanks to them I had a soul search trip for two weeks. During the time, motivation of seeking back home was born. Since then, I began preparing and researching all the requirements of traveling to Taiwan under circumstances of possibility to work from distance, which is also taking ride on new trend of digital culture while it is still fresh.
Why I want to leave/log out?
I’ve been thinking of logging out from the world for a while if possible. However, to do it with a no harm way, there is an almost perfect chance to trick myself believe doing that — I’ll just log out my Swedish life and log into my Taiwanese life for 2.5 months, including the quarantine time — 15 days in hotel plus 7 days at home.
It sounds crazy and everyone would yuck at it hearing that. 🙄
For me, I deem it as a good chance to have a real quarantine from society. I can finally close the door, disappear and be with myself. A soul searching trip. I got something important to ponder about, some big decisions like how do I want to live when I’m achieving 30 years old soon. Do I want kids? Do I want to spend rest of my life with him or my own family? Is this how I want to live? Working as an landscape architect, sitting in office, having quite clam, high quality and balanced “lagom” career? Or should I try to chase after those sparkles, uncertainty and excitement that keep coming into my dreams in the night that no one knows except me? Listen to your heart? It’ll easily fuck up things I’ve built up in 6 years.
On the airplan from Armsterdam to Taiwan, I kept imaging the aircrash might happen everytime it came strong turbulence which I always did when I fly. However, it’s different this time, for the first time, regrets of dying here hit me, and this feeling is not unfamiliar to me. I just got that feeling recently in my second driving test recently, I wish I’ve never been here but I’m helpless and is right here.
Looking at my hands and burning away, I gasped, is this how it feels to disappear in an animation story? By dying in an aircrash? It would be amazing if I can escape the tragedy by fleeing into my another world dream and wake up as usual. I’ve become friends with girls around, maybe we can hug together, finding some last peace in the end.
The airplan does have wifi connection, maybe I won’t have time to call my loved one still. If I could, I’d say……
First day or distance working from hotel, it feels great to have such flexibility and I found more passion to work. My chef told me that I just need to be in contact with Sweden between 8–12 which is 16–19 in Taiwan. How lucky that I have a chef with kindness and understanding.
Second day, I’m thinking of that I’m still have the hatbit to keep myself distance from reality. When I found situation of feeling with someone’s relation is hard for me to react or take, I’ll put on the camera I used to have — — watching myself from side like a movie and let my actress consciousness takes over my behavior to play a scene, then I’ll judge — — if it’s a good play. I’ve decided to quit this 3–4 years ago, and it has been much better that I have more control of my feelings and enjoy more in those moments. Guess that’s why I barely know myself, what kind of personality, impression or image I give to people around me.
Actually this switch mode has helped me fight through many challenges I should have never overcome as me myself. Move to Sweden, work with experienced people, take tasks out of my ability, try to get myself mingle in situation or field that I barely interested in or understand, not to miss my hometown and family otherwise it might kill me in dark winter……I do appreciate it has taken me to higher level pretty fast, however, maybe it’s time to take over to achieve the true life, to regain the strength of mind. I hate to sounds positive, truly, still. Yuck.
Where’s this frustration feeling coming from while I’m working and singning now ? I can’t get rid of it, is it hungry, music or something else ? I’ll try to eat dinner now.
This trip might be the chance for me to make peace with Taiwan which I broke up with for 6 years and we’ve been together for 22 years, it’s like an old lover. What would we say when we meet each other? I don’t need to do anything, I can just live with my parents and be fine with it.
Not sure if I should do this or if there’s even need to doubt what to do in the moment. After discussing purchase of apartment with sister and finishing my landscape design project, I downloaded Discord to watch friends streaming Dota 2 in Sweden, meanwhile practicing finger set skill of beach volleyball which are exaclty how I spend my time in Swedish life. But I just want to do these things in the moment .I’m not sure if I should force myself do something else or just follow my heart. Maybe I’ll figure it out soon, right now I’m a bit nervous about what to tell when colleges bombing questions of how I’m doing in qurantine in Taiwan tomorrow, we’ll see.
Even now, when I think of those stuffs, unpleasant moment with stuffs, failures or folk, I still find it hard to really accept it from bottom of mind. A gun would poke at my heart and forehead. The truth is, most of time I can go through quite difficult situations much more then many. However, I pretend not to be perfect at huging everything like a general mankind. I can even hate it. Since no one has right to be angry, yell at me or waste my time just because you can’t handle your life obstable. Yes, I hate it. Also, I hate people try to compare and win over one another. Guess these come from my background in society. I’ve been compared by the system since I was a kid in school. I did win most of the time, which makes me hate more when I lose. That’s why I hade to leave, I couldn’t literally breath sometimes, it was just too heavy for me. So I escaped, far far away to the other side of the earth. It’s dark there. But it seems to be some hope of light in the dust. This problem is still torturing me when I look straight into it. I need unbreakable confidence to swish over it. But the modest attitude of culture has pushed me down first.
I prefer to remain in silence. Since I don’t bother to give someone a lesson of life when I have been through it and I know it just takes time for person to learn it, by themself. I got path to walk too, so if I actually stop by and lift you up, it’s because I have some extra energy. It never means you can utilize or rely on me.
What is the main thread leading you forward in life ?
Is it perfection?
Is it society?
Is it happiness?
Is it faith?
I got an important epiphany while training today so I write down my statement here:
For the sake of release from pain of being loved of people, I’d rather and willing to give up those success, class, and meaningless self-esteem all just for being able to fully, truly, live my life and be myself. As an exchange.
Yesturday was a bit dark day.
Today is a bit sorrow day.
Not because of myself but closest people are going through some hardest time of own life even death. I’ll always and willing to offer my support and help as long as they need and tell me how they feel. I’m glad that recently, she has tried to show and keep me update more then before. It’s important to be brave and strech out your hands so I can notice it in time and catch it, holding with my heart as much as I can. Somehow I’m quite good with supporting people in my life. I think I’m a good listener and have moderate sympathy but not too emotional neither rational. I’m just a monster of balance, I want no extrem feelings or intention or purpose or words to represent me at all. All I urging for is calm and peace.
Another thing I want is abiliy to admit things I can’t achieve fast. I got no patience at all and doing stuffs with high efficiency is my principle. Therefore, when I fail, I fall and close my eyes for not seeing image in head as griefing.
Yesturday contact with people reminded a difficulty that bothers me still which is ‘when people assume that I’m having bad or suffering or being sad about something which I’m not, I got quite annoyed’
I understand when people critisize right on weakness of a person, it hurts because the person has tried so hard to not believing it. For example you joke on someone fat and he gets insulted because he does care about it even he sometime even jokes on himself about body shape. In this, we can see that the person hasn’t really surpassed this body issue but he is using all energy to persuade himself all the time of course there’s no space for him to hear more criticism.
However, in my case, when I’m not even deem it negatively and enjoy quite a lot with something or some situation, then comes someone and says: ’Poor you, it MUST be so boring/sad/harsh for you.’
Let’s just take example of what happened right now. Since I got into the quarantine, I’ve heard at least 6 people to tell: ‘I can offer you a call since it must drive you crazy to be locked up there’ , ‘Poor you, must be so boring to live there’, ‘Isn’t it boring?’, ‘Have you fed up with quaranine?’, ‘You got too much time to train, right?’, ‘Are you tired?’……
Oh my god!! What’s wrong with it? I was looking forward from beginning to experience this precious chance to be away from this world for 2 weeks! I’ve been eagering to train my meditaiton, yoga, hand standing, push up, volleyball finger set, learn some dance steps, singing my favorite karaoke, write my articles, talk to myself, ponder on philosophy, and I still need to work 8–10 HOURS per day!!
And I did use 2 hours to write, 2 hours to train, 10 hours to work, 10 hours to adjust jet leg in past 6 days, sometimes even discuss different issue of life with my sister for 3 hours! Every night before sleep, I can’t even just fall asleep as usual since there’re so many things I want to learn and they are running arount in my head so I feel waste to sleep.
Well, I’m not here to complain or be angry at people so if you’re one of the person who took pitty on me, don’t be offended of me. Since you must be one of my imortant family/friends to be able to reach this article. And I do appreciate that you send me your care and greetings. Only my sister who has been living in the same hotel as me understand and said she did miss the time and didn’t want to leave it, it was a great chance to be alone from the world.
Here comes the point, what I’m annoyed at is — — what the hell I’m getting offended of this situation? What’s to be angry at? It’s almost like calling me fat but I’m not even close to be fat as a well trained girl even sport player that jump dubbel higher than average. Why do I care? Let’s just write down all the possible reason that can explain and analyze.
- Everyone who’s doing their best to live a good life or finding something fun to spend time with can get frustrated to be denied.
- Proud and self ego disturbed.
- Eager to be seen as a great person with good life.
- Annoying to explain many times that I’m not as what they think.
If it was him, he will never care the words for a second and never get tired even everyone around denies his possitive idea. Which make me feel I’m such a weak being beside him sometimes. He can be so strong, me who have tried thounsand times more to build up strongness should hade been much stronger but I’m not. What am I lack of compared to him? ‘A misery in childhood’ he answered. No, it doesn’t make sense, or yes, or no, I also have some misery in different way. It just makes no sence. He probably is born with better brain cells that don’t link all the emotions and problems together like a complicated spider net in my head. You’re lucky.
Meditation progress today — —30 minutes without yoga or music, just breath in and breath out.
In mindfulness meditation, I successfully completed a long practice, at least half an hour. Now I will take advantage of the relaxation of the body and mind after taking a hot bath, turn on music or meditation guidance. Today I feel that I can do it without music or yoga at the same time, just focus purely on breathing exercises.
As I was about to finish, I realized that to do good meditation, I really have to learn to let go of all distractions. This is only the first step. The true value and meaning of meditation seems to be known after I can at least achieve the first step.
Think of I’m willing to spend 3 hours per day on physical exercises, but I can’t even give up ten minutes to mental exercises, I feel very unbalanced. I’m really happy to have this opportunity to be alone to grow stronger psychological quality. The biggest gain of meditation tonday is that I used to do meditation in combination with yoga. For the first time, I felt that I just want to sit upright, not doing unnecessary movement, not listening to unnecessary music, just searching forward in silence purely and peacefully. At the same time, in the darkness of thoughts, I did hear a slight whisper, saying that I think I can like myself, because I am the only person who will accompany me through the whole life.
Sadness tastes like soar muscle in the throat. I wonder why it feels undelightful. All these disappointment, sorrow, failure mixed, they taste like the worst cocktail I’ve ever drunk. Bitter. And unacceptable.
Today, an important person of my family went away. I can feel the sorrow sending from the other side of earth. Language and emotion, aren’t they the best deliver in the world? I don’t even know the person but my brain can synchronize the incapacity of his heart which threw me into a temporary depression for rest of the day.
Day by day, in every way, I’m getting better and better.
A statement from book The Practice of Autosuggestion: By the Method of Emile Coué.
A Big achievement learned by meditation in two days: Patience.
Be patient and determined to let unimportant, unnecessary things wait. Let go them and focus on what I’m doing now. Don’t solve them directly. I have to do this meditation course again, it’s so nice. Also, Autopilot is a good word to explain how we are not paying attention toward stuffs in daily life anymore since we’re so used to it and tend to not seeing them. Turn off autopilot mode and live my life. (I misspelled autopirat in the begening which is fun concept I just randomly created lol I’ll give it a new life soon)
Let me start with my first hint/autosuggestion:
I’ll find my answer in this trip in Taiwan.
Two steps to achieve autosuggestion, accept idea and then transfer it to reality in subconscious. There’s no line between Heterosuggestion and Autosuggestion since both are hints accepted by ourselves.
Best timing to import hints is at the top of ''Outcropping of Subconcious'' which is moment right before you fall asleep and moment right when you wake up. The concious we have will block the hints that are opposite to what we believe.
According to diary Day 11, did you realize that I started to enjoy small happiness in daily life again? Maybe I’ve fixed it since this autumn just I haven’t had time to make self-examination. Do you still remenber you’ve been suffered from it for quite a long time before corona time? You were so stucked that you don’t even feel interested to live sometimes. And now you’re afriad to die in a car or aircrash.
Why it’s wrong to use concious to change or force our mindset for success?
-Putting strength and energy to change bad situation means there’re already obstacle in mind, and with conflict, it goes against our subconcious which will always win — — win by make sure we fail.
-Therefore, avoid struggling!
It’s interesting that chapter of the book I read today mentions: If you are a person baring psychological weakness, subconcious ENJOYS the sickness of fear and is abnormally satisfied with it. And if you succeed to drive out fearness, it will keep waving at you and life filled with emptiness. Not for the happiness but for the emotion and excitement it has brought before.
I’m glad to hear a psychologist tell about how our mind ENJOY morbid thoughts. I just need someone powerful to comfirm it for me that it does exist. I like he uses word ENJOY.
Last night I tried the theraphy of the book for the first time. It’s pretty simple but I would never try it if I’m not alone. He should try it too when I’m not there.
Method — Relax on the bed, when start to feel sleepy, tell myself: ''Now I’m going to implement the theraphy.'' Then, say it out so I can hear clearly ''Day by day, in every way, I’m getting better and better'' for twenty times. It’s important to do it when subconcious reveals. Repeat again right when you wake up in the morning.
By saying it out, the words repeated in my head like music until I fell asleep even when I woke and stood in bathroom. Interesting to see how it may impact me. But be aware that never push it too much, don’t think of my failures or things I want to imporve because it’s never good to give control to negative one. Try to let only positive one fill up whole mind otherwise it may trigger the theory of principle of action and reaction.
During the meditation this time, I came up with, those people or thing that disturb my mind, are actually the ‘’worst’’ one in my current life. However, even though I use ord worst doesn’t mean it is so bad actually, it’s more like neutual and unimportant reason to be annoying. By this thought, I can be glad to announce that life is going good since the worst thing is obiously no big deal! And it’s pretty accurate since heart never lies which is a good way to do self-examination instead of focusing on the bad thoughts =)
What makes you know that you love somebody?
Is it enough that you care his happiness and life? Is there true love? What’s definition of that? Are you satisfied with this? Is it here that you get off the train?
In the last silence night, I talked with myself about those scars my heart have suffered from the past. I hold her in my hands and listen to her tears, sadness, regrets and those not reconciled love. I told her it’s okay, when she is fed up with tears, I’ll hold her and find the love she desires. This time, we make no compromise.
Chapter 1 — Isolation in island……End